Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
