I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
