so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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