The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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