life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
