I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
