The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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