woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
