You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
