We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You ruined the universe
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
