FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
