Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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