i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
