I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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