someone threw a dead crab at me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
