I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
