NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
