please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
