Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
