Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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