Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
