i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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