someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
