we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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