I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
