Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
