i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
