Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
PANTIES FOUND
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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