dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
