she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
how drunk are you?
Several
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
