I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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