You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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