I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
