It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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