Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
organizing the empties. That sober.
Found your dick twin last night
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
