Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
