my phone needs a breathalizer
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
