if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
this just has baby written all over it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
