Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
