my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
