just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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