you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
