I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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