Got a toothbrush?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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