Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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