I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
BRING THE BAGELS
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
