Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
