Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
