Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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