he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your cock deserves a montage
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
