bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
