I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
