New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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