How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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