my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
