If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
