Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
